A Smoker's Struggle: Kicking The Habit

*Updated 7/8/2010-Scroll down

I've had a love/hate relationship with cigarettes since I was 14. Boyfriends, husbands, bosses, they come and go, but the one constant in my life : the Marlboro Man.

I started smoking in high school because I thought it made me cool. Never mind that my first cigarette made me want to puke in the school bus. Smoking gave me that grown-up sophistication that's very hard to achieve when you wear a geeky Catholic school uniform every day.

This blog journals my nth attempt--my most serious yet--to quit smoking.

My crutch: the new-fangled, untested e-cigarette.

The FDA issued a warning against it. Here was my shortcut logic to get around that. The surgeon-general's warning on real cigarette packs has a picture of a skull and crossbones. The FDA's warning about e-cigarettes doesn't have the skull and crossbones. Real cigarettes must be worse.

DAY 1 - JAN. 19, 2010

I made a pact with a co-worker, fellow TV producer Eric, to quit smoking by January 15. We picked January 15 because with our hard-earned wages, we'd purchase e-cigarettes together. Unfortunately, Jan. 15 was also a Friday, and I was at a party, and so that didn't work out.

Today, four days later, I enlist the help of former smoker, co-worker Joseph who first turned me on to the idea of e-smoking. He is loaning me his spare e-cigarette for a week.

I take my first hit. I get dizzy, like I took a long deep drag of a Red, the most nicotine-laden of the Marlboro line.

So far, I've taken about 6 drags of this e-cigarette in 4 hours. I want to smoke a real cigarette. Let's see how I do after dinner tonight. A smarty-pants co-worker asks me, "I wonder if it'll be good after sex?" Ha-ha-ha. Whatever.

DAY 2-JAN 20, 2010

If all goes well, this will be my first FULL real cigarette-free day. Yesterday, I smoked one cigarette in the morning, and pathetically, lit up an old butt from my ash tray in the evening.

Today, I'm puffing on the e-cigarette more heavily, everytime I feel the urge to light up a real one. I am jumpy. My voice trembles when I speak, I find myself blinking a lot. My palms are a cold and sweaty. My mind is fuzzy. My razor-sharp focus at work--gone. I think I am in anxiety attack mode. This is how I feel as I endure these symptoms.

Yogis and Buddhists say we must treat ourselves with compassion. I need all the compassion I can give myself right now. I am sad for myself. These symptoms show me how deep my addiction really is. Then I think about people who overcame their addiction to illegal drugs. They must have suffered more. This puts it all in perspective.

DAY 3-JAN.21, 2010

Yes, made it through yesterday without smoking!

Exercise helps with the jittery withdrawal symtoms--felt much better after yoga class, and after my early morning workout.This e-cigarette may really be helping. I puff on it every time I feel the urge to smoke or am getting antsy.

I'm so grateful for my support system. Co-quitter and e-smoker Eric sporadically drops by my cubicle to compare notes and see if I'm OK. Joseph, the original e-smoker, especially, is very concerned about his two wards, Eric and me. He comes by to ask us how we are doing, and I go visit him for technical and psychological support.

In addition to the e-cigarette, I am using everything I've learned in yoga. Observing my mind, one-pointed focus, stillness and all that. I've already observed my grouchiness--so far, I've snapped at a couple of co-workers, my daughter and the butcher. But the more I am aware, the less it happens. When I'm jittery and fuzzy, I deliberately stop, breathe, breathe, breathe and slow myself down.

Today, I call in sick. I have a headache. Good. I hate smoking when I'm not feeling well, so today should be a breeze. Is that twisted or what?

DAY 4-JAN. 22, 2010

By 9:30 PM tonight, I'd have gone 72 hours without smoking. I am looking forward to it because research shows most withdrawal symptoms subside and disappear after the 72nd hour. I've gone through 2 days straight of a splitting headache which is so bad it disorients me.

The headaches alternate with nausea. But they do subside--with water--exercise--I do get stretches of relative normalcy.

The nicotine in the e-cigarette, I suspect, triggers the headaches. This is the sequence I noticed: I start getting jumpy, I turn to the e-cigarette to calm me down, then I get a headache. The pattern is so predictable that I'm using the e-cigarette less and less. It's as if I'm naturally weaning myself from the nicotine. Instead of hitting the e-cigarette, I've been drinking water instead. This is a good thing yes?

From time to time, a tantalizing vision pops into my head. I'm sitting on that little step in the garage, puffing away at a Marlboro Lights Gold with a mug of hot coffee, right after a big meal. I steer my mind away from that vision. I avoid that spot but each time I'm by the kitchen I feel it calling me. I drink water, and if that's not good enough, I puff on the e-cigarette.

I am feeling optimistic. I have no unbearable urges, but then again the e-cigarette is always there. I don't think I could have gotten through these days without it. But it's just a crutch. The goal is to eventually get rid of the crutch, not to live with it.

By the way, to the people who e-mailed me: Yes, I am single. And no, I have not been married many times. Just that once. Thanks for asking.

DAY 5-JAN.23, 2010

I braved my headaches last night and went to a party. No, two parties. I keep referring to the e-cigarette as a crutch. It proved itself to be that in a big way, plus a good novelty to show off. I show people how it works. They are amazed.

E-smoking saved me from slipping at those back-to-back parties. I notice how greedily I am gulping down the wine. I sense that I am compensating for not having a nicotine fix with it. I take out the e-cigarette, puff on it discreetly as I drink, and have another very full glass of wine.

Meantime, I am talking my head off at about a speed of a hundred miles a minute. It's a combination of light drunkeness, withdrawal symptoms plus a nicotine rush. Thank god my yoga teachers are laughing, that means I am at least amusing them. Better than snapping at them. I guess being chemically imbalanced can be funny.

I proceed to the second party at a Spanish restaurant, and face another great temptation. I love eating, and the cigarette that comes after a meal.

At the restaurant, I'm eating AND discreetly puffing on the e-cigarette. Throughout the meal, I am drinking a lot of Sangria. I hope quitting smoking doesn't turn me into an alcoholic.

DAY 6-JAN.24, 2010

I'm eagerly looking forward to the one week anniversary of my quitting smoking. I sailed through yesterday tobacco-free.

I meet up with a friend, who I realize has now seen me in every chemically-addled state except flat-out stark raving drunk (not been this in a very long while) or high (never was a druggie).

Yesterday he saw me in various states of tobacco withdrawal--from jumpy to achey to spaced out. I threw in another bonus--I was also hungover. Thank god this friend is a non-smoker. I realize how important it is to choose to hang out with non-smokers at this critical time.You need the support of other people (thank you to everyone who's been cheering me on) and you really need to stay away from those still addicted to tobacco, only because it would be so easy to slip. These are delicate, critical times.

Yesterday cemented my observations from the past days. Vigorous activity eases the headaches and shakes. The more you perspire and move, the better. Friend and I spring into action ASAP, culminating in a Bikram yoga class. My main Iyengar yoga teacher would kill me for saying this, but I think Bikram yoga's combination of copious sweating, continuous hydration and sheer exhaustion works wonders when you're suffering withdrawal symptoms.

However, for those who can't stand the heat, my teacher Rogelio says the Iyengar yoga system recommends a lot of jumpings as therapy for withdrawal symptoms. I attended Rogelio's restorative yoga class--I also highly recommend this. I was definitely soothed and less shaky after this series of deliberately calming and cooling restful poses.

By evening, friend and I are exhausted. The restaurant we eat at offers hookahs--another guilty pleasure of mine. Miraculously, there was a non-tobacco, herbal alternative. It's good to know that I won't have to deprive myself of a hookah to stay tobacco-free.

All through yesterday, I'd e-smoke from time to time, mostly during and after dinner. I sit through a movie and notice that my mind is dull. I am having a hard time following the plot. My brain is mush these days.

I'm so looking forward to the day when all these weird symptoms go away. I'd love to have my normally sharp and alert mind back one day soon.

DAY 7-JAN. 25, 2010

Oh my God, I'm so confident that I've quit smoking for good. My Facebook status now reads: "Please refer to me as a non-smoker. I own it." Yes, owned! By tomorrow, 9:30 PM, I'd have been tobacco-free for one solid week. I am celebrating--how exactly I'm not sure but I am pretty sure it's not with a cigarette. I really don't want to.

The best news--it looks like full lucidity has returned. I had a sense it would happen soon, after my first class at the studio of Iyengar yoga superstar teacher Manouso Manos last night. The class was so intense. Or maybe it just seemed so because I was still somewhat groggy during practice.

Exhausted, I immediately fell asleep when I got home. When I woke up this morning, my mind was clear. No headache, no spaced-out feeling, no absent staring, no shakes. The fog has lifted.

At work today, I'm functioning at my usual level. I'm back to being a news-producing machine. During stressful moments, I miss my cigarette breaks. But the e-cigarette is right in front of me, so I puff-puff-puff on yummy blueberry flavored vapor as I work.

When I started as a newsman many, many years ago, I'd pound out my stories on a manual typewriter (that's how long ago it was) with a lit cigarette hanging from my lips. Journalists from the old school are mostly macho type-A's who run on adrenaline and testosterone, women included. Every day was a celebration of beating the deadline, and celebration usually meant partying hard-- insanely drinking and smoking way past normal people's beditmes.

This is the lifestyle I've been trying to reverse ever since I gave birth to my daughter. Now that I'm fully convinced that I've smoked my last cigarette, I can truly say the reversal is complete.

***7 MONTHS LATER***

JULY 8, 2010

A few weeks back, I celebrated six solid months of tobacco-free existence. Everytime I pass by a smoker, I thank God that I'm free of the addiction. I thank God I no longer burn money everytime I buy a pack. I thank God I no longer have to reek of tobacco smoke--a very strong and unattractive odor, it turns out, when you smell it in others. 

However, I am surrounded by reminders not to let my guard down. Just today, I found out that my co-quitters Eric and Joseph were smoking again. These two were my support system (see above) as I struggled to break free of nicotine in January. I was aghast! I told Eric: "How could you let all our hard work go down the drain?" I felt so vulnerable again--you are only as good as the last craving you resist. A relapse is so easy.

About a month or two after I quit, I would repeatedly feel the urge to smoke again. It made me doubt myself so much, until Eric told me that a mutual friend, who had quit smoking ten years ago admitted that up to today, the urge to smoke still hits him from time to time. The craving never stops, apparently. Quitting is a continuous "no" to nicotine. And as my relapsed friends showed me, it only takes one "yes" to undo all the hard work of quitting.

I have no science to back me up, but I believe my body is still detoxifying, seven months after my last cigarette. About three months ago, I went through weeks of unexplained dry coughing and experienced the worst allergies I've ever had. Once more this is in no way a scientific explanation, but I sense that my body is still expelling years of toxins it had stored and amassed. Did I gain weight? Yes, but a scant five to six pounds that did not change my dress size. My cardio workouts are more frequent now, since it takes me longer before I need to catch my breath--my lungs feel so much stronger. I'm pretty sure that those few extra pounds will be gone now that I can work out at an even more intense rate.

I think Eric and Joseph might benefit from yoga. Yogi friends tell me, that my quitting smoking was a natural outcome of my continuous practice of yoga. It's as if the mind is gradually led to healthier practices. Another thing I picked up from yoga: regular use of the neti pot. This daily cleansing ritual makes me hesitate to dirty--or should I say, defile--my body with nasty toxins like nicotine, too much alcohol and frankly speaking, too much animal fats. I used to not understand it, but now I see why yogis eventually end up with this clean, healthy lifestyle. The practice makes you to naturally WANT to clean up. No willpower required.

So to those who want to quit smoking, here's my advise. Attack the addiction by replacing it with healthy habits. And hopefully, your freedom will last.

My next update: January 2011--my one year anniversary of tobacco freedom.